Thoughts for today

Today I am happy that my kids are having so much fun outside in their playhouse.  They are having so much fun, in fact, that when I offered to take them to the park, they said no!  Why did they say no?  They discovered that I would read to them while they ate a snack outside in the playhouse, to which Weston shouted, “Really!?!?  That is my DREAM!!”  I love times like these, when it is so easy to make my kids’ dreams come true.  I love that they are giggling so much, that they have a day off school, and that the weather is so gorgeous in the middle of January!! (See, people, there ARE benefits to living in Las Vegas!)

I am happy that we are healthy.  Health is a gift that I do not take for granted any more.  I am happy that I typed up my official week-day schedule today, one that I have been more or less staying true to for 2 weeks!  That is really sort of a miracle for me. I am sad that I don’t have any time on the schedule for working out or writing, since those are two passions that make me feel fulfilled in life, but I simply do not have room in the schedule, and I am tired of chaos.  Even with the schedule, I still am behind on pretty much everything.  BUT, I am happy to feel a little bit more control over myself and what I need to do.  In the past, I was always so overwhelmed that I didn’t know where to begin.  Now, at least, I know what to expect of myself every day…I know it is less than what I want, but it is more than before! I am now avoiding the constant collision of overly lofty goals with reality that makes me feel like an utter failure.  Expectation management has been a struggle in the past.  At least I am improving a little bit.  Baby steps, right?  

Today I was also thinking that I am bummed I can’t have a break from making dinner, but realize at the same time how blessed I am to live now instead of, say, a hundred or more years ago.  Sure, we’d all be saved from toxic gmo produce, excito-toxins, partially hydrogenated oils, and all the other crap that is so hard to avoid, but then I REALLY wouldn’t have time to pursue personal interests, because I’d spend ALL my energy growing, picking, grinding and making food.  But seriously, I really am sick of planning dinners.  Which again, makes me realized what a painfully selfish person I can be...but I think I’ll blame it on society, because that’s really in fashion right now.  In the U.S., we literally have a higher standard of living than BILLIONS of people who have ever lived, and do currently live, on this earth.  And yet, we constantly complain about every small inconvenience.  Have you noticed that tendency? We are just a bunch of spoiled brats.  Well, I’m sure that YOU aren’t.  But you know, we Americans – generally speaking, of course – are pretty darn spoiled.

What am I even saying?  One of my goals is to not act like a spoiled brat in life.  I am owed nothing, and I refuse to get caught in the trap of entitlement mentality.  I feel like it is something that has to be fought with a vengeance, and since our society is saturated in it, that means training our children against it too!!  I think I will start putting notes around the house for myself that say “No Complaining!” Maybe I should make myself plank every time I utter a complaint…although that would lead to more complaining, so maybe not.  

I sat down to write something, and now I wish I knew what it was.  I’m pretty sure I just can’t take the NOT writing any more. 2014 was one year, but it was filled with at least 10 years worth of unexpressed feelings, deeply probing thoughts and questions, random insights and basic loss-processing that went unrecorded for me.  I literally craved writing.  I have at least 25 unwritten blog posts in my head, several partially written ones on my computer and, sadly, several poignant journal entries that are lost.  I think the losing of them is related to an irresistibly cute little destructor that lives in my house.  I made him.  So why does he destroy my things? I almost cried when I realized the few journal entries that I did make time to write (almost always past midnight), were destroyed.  But then I just got over it. Getting over it so easily was definitely a small miracle.  I love small miracles, don’t you?

With all of my longing to write, 2014 ended up being the year unwritten.  I’m afraid it is all a rambly mess today, but the flood gates had to burst.  And now it is a new year, and I am still, even on this 19^th day of January, determined to turn over a new leaf (as my dad would say, leaf #486).  So off I go to read to the creative, silly, good looking kiddos in the play house.  My fervent daily desire is that I will strengthen my weaknesses so that they can avoid the unnecessary struggles that I have gone through. I’m sure life will dole out plenty of struggles for them, but I never want them to suffer because of one of my failures! I’m sure every decent mom feels that way, too. On days when I just want to be a sloth, that is what I hang on to.  I am happy for kids that make me want to push myself to be better.  Because frankly, they deserve the best.