Today I am happy that my kids are having so much
fun outside in their playhouse. They are
having so much fun, in fact, that when I offered to take them to the park, they
said no! Why did they say no? They discovered that I would read to them
while they ate a snack outside in the playhouse, to which Weston shouted, “Really!?!? That is my DREAM!!” I love times like these, when it is so easy
to make my kids’ dreams come true. I
love that they are giggling so much, that they have a day off school, and that
the weather is so gorgeous in the middle of January!! (See, people, there ARE
benefits to living in Las Vegas!)
I am happy that we are healthy. Health is a gift that I do not take for
granted any more. I am happy that I
typed up my official week-day schedule today, one that I have been more or less
staying true to for 2 weeks! That is really
sort of a miracle for me. I am sad that I don’t have any time on the schedule
for working out or writing, since those are two passions that make me feel
fulfilled in life, but I simply do not have room in the schedule, and I am
tired of chaos. Even with the schedule,
I still am behind on pretty much everything.
BUT, I am happy to feel a little bit more control over myself and what I
need to do. In the past, I was always so
overwhelmed that I didn’t know where to begin.
Now, at least, I know what to expect of myself every day…I know it is
less than what I want, but it is more than before! I am now avoiding the
constant collision of overly lofty goals with reality that makes me feel like an utter failure. Expectation management has been a struggle in
the past. At least I am improving a
little bit. Baby steps, right?
Today I was also thinking that I am bummed I can’t
have a break from making dinner, but realize at the same time how blessed I am
to live now instead of, say, a hundred or more years ago. Sure, we’d all be saved from toxic gmo
produce, excito-toxins, partially hydrogenated oils, and all the other crap
that is so hard to avoid, but then I REALLY wouldn’t have time to pursue
personal interests, because I’d spend ALL my energy growing, picking, grinding
and making food. But seriously, I really
am sick of planning dinners. Which
again, makes me realized what a painfully selfish person I can be...but I think
I’ll blame it on society, because that’s really in fashion right now. In the U.S., we literally have a higher
standard of living than BILLIONS of people who have ever lived, and do
currently live, on this earth. And yet,
we constantly complain about every small inconvenience. Have you noticed that tendency? We are just a
bunch of spoiled brats. Well, I’m sure
that YOU aren’t. But you know, we Americans
– generally speaking, of course – are pretty darn spoiled.
What am I even saying? One of my goals is to not act like a spoiled
brat in life. I am owed nothing, and I
refuse to get caught in the trap of entitlement mentality. I feel like it is something that has to be
fought with a vengeance, and since our society is saturated in it, that means training
our children against it too!! I think I
will start putting notes around the house for myself that say “No Complaining!”
Maybe I should make myself plank every time I utter a complaint…although that
would lead to more complaining, so maybe not.
I sat down to write something, and now I wish I
knew what it was. I’m pretty sure I just
can’t take the NOT writing any more. 2014 was one year, but it was filled with
at least 10 years worth of unexpressed feelings, deeply probing thoughts and
questions, random insights and basic loss-processing that went unrecorded for
me. I literally craved writing. I have at least 25 unwritten blog posts in
my head, several partially written ones on my computer and, sadly, several
poignant journal entries that are lost. I
think the losing of them is related to an irresistibly cute little destructor
that lives in my house. I made him. So why does he destroy my things? I almost
cried when I realized the few journal entries that I did make time to write
(almost always past midnight), were destroyed.
But then I just got over it. Getting over it so easily was definitely a
small miracle. I love small miracles,
don’t you?
With all of my longing to write, 2014 ended up
being the year unwritten. I’m afraid it
is all a rambly mess today, but the flood gates had to burst. And now it is a new year, and I am still,
even on this 19th day of January, determined to turn over a new
leaf (as my dad would say, leaf #486). So off I go to read to the
creative, silly, good looking kiddos in the play house. My fervent daily desire is that I will
strengthen my weaknesses so that they can avoid the unnecessary struggles that
I have gone through. I’m sure life will dole out plenty of struggles for them,
but I never want them to suffer because of one of my failures! I’m sure every decent
mom feels that way, too. On days when I just want to be a sloth, that is what I
hang on to. I am happy for kids that
make me want to push myself to be better.
Because frankly, they deserve the best.
